Paano pag matagal ka ng hindi umiibig?

Maalala mo ba kung pano ito?

Paano pag matagal ka ng hindi umiibig, maninibago ka ba pag may umibig na sayo? paano mo malalaman kung iniibig mo na ren sya? Maaari ba tayong maging manhid sa pag-ibig? O sadyang may paraan ito para kumatok sa puso ng kahit sino?

Paano pag matagal ka ng hindi umiibig, mahalaga pa ba sayo ito? Maaalala mo pa ba ang saya na idinulot ng pag-ibig at ang problema at sakit ng ulo na dala nito? Maaalala mo pa ba kung paano mo nasabing mahal mo siya? O kung paano ka niyang napaniwalang mahal ka rin niya?

Pano pag matagal ka ng hindi umiibig, maaalala mo pa ba kung ano ang dapat gawin sa isang relasyon? Tulad ng pag kamusta, pag-usap, pag-away, pag hawak ng kamay, pag halik, at pag-akap? Ito ba’y magiging normal na lang sayo tulad ng dati? Gagawin mo ba ito ng buong puso o dahil alam mo na parte na lang ito ng isang pagsasama?

Pano pag matagal ka ng hindi nasasaktan dahil sa pagmamahal, gugustuhin mo pa bang magmahal ulit? O mas pipiliin mo ang buhay na mag-isa na masaya? Pero pag may gusto kang ibahagi sa iba pag lingon mo, wala.

Paano pag matagal ka ng nasanay ng mag-isa, bubuksan mo pa ba ang puso mo para sa iba?

Paano pag nangailangan ka ng kasama, papapasukin mo ba ang unang taong kayang ibigay ang hinahanap mo, kahit na hindi mo kayang ibigay sa kanya ang pagmamahal na hinahanap niya?

Posible ba na maubos ang pagmamahal? O totoo bang hindi ito nawawala at naipapasa lang sa iba?

Paano pag matagal ka ng hindi nagmahal. Maaalala mo pa bang mag mahal ulit?

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Minsan naisip ko na sana nag mahal na lang ako ng isang lalake. Isa lang. Mas madaling maniwala sa pagmamahal pag sa isang tao mo lang ito nadama. Ang mga mala pelikulang storya ay magiging kapanipaniwala.Na kahit anong hirap and dinaanan, sa huli ay kayo pa rin ang magkakatuluyan at magiging masaya kayo.

Nakakapagod na rin siguro mag antay ng mamahalin. Nakakapagod rin mag hanap. Pagod. Ayan siguro ang nararamdaman ko. Hindi lang dahil sa mga naranasan ko, pero dahil sa mga naranasan rin ng mga kaibigan ko.

“Love is overrated”, yan ang lagi kong sinasabi sa mga kakilala ko. Hindi puro “happy ending” ang dulot nito. Hindi lahat ng sakripisyo mo eh masusuklian sa tamang paraan. Pero kahit na ganito ako mag-isip, siyempre gusto ko pa rin ng taong makakasama. Yung mababahagian ko ng mga natutunan ko sa buhay, at ganun rin siya sa akin. Yung makakasama ko sa saya at hirap. Aalagaan ako pag may sakit. Pagsasabihan pag nagiging maldita. Lalambingin at aasarin. Pagsisilbihan ko, at pagsisilbihan ako. Oo, madali lang maghanap ng ganyan, ang mahirap eh yung masasabi mong hindi ka iiwan.

Hindi ko alam kung buo na ba ako para maibigay sa tamang tao, kung nahanap ko na ang nawala sa akin nung mga nakaraang taon. At kung maling tao ba ang mahalin ko, kaya ko pa bang tanggapin ang pagkakamaling iyon? At kung kaya ko ba magsimula ulit? May matitira pa ba sa akin?

Pagod. Matagal na akong hindi umiibig pero hanggang ngayon ay pagod.

The ex with a name, college friends, flickr, beach, and blah. (also singlehood)

Andito na naman ako sa phase na to. Yung Blah phase. Yung tipong nothing exciting is happening. *le sigh*

I miss blogging about everything! Especially back then when blogging wasn’t mainstream yet. Good thing Ryx is back (one of my best and oldest online friend), because she kinda inspired me to blog again. I know, I know, I didn’t really leave blogging, but it’s not like before.

So what has been happening? Like I said, I’ve been feeling kind of blah lately. Beauty pill is still a jerk. The recent ex has not changed yet (although less drama), pressure at work, financially unstable, credit card bills, etc.. etc..

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One thing that made me smile was when I was exchanging text messages with JC (the ex with the name). He was asking how I was and what was new. So I told him about beauty pill, just a gist of the story, and his reply made my heart go awww..

JC: Special ka sa ken, sana ganun ren sayo
Abi: Special ka kaya! kumbaga sa siopao, bolabolang asado ka
JC: Hindi yun ang ibig sabihin ko
Abi: Ano ibig sabihin mo?
JC: Wag kang pumayag na tratuhin ka ng ganun, kasi special ka sa ibang tao.

…or something like that (I accidentally deleted his messages). Aww diba? Wala lang. I mean, after almost 6 years, he still gets a spot here at my blog. LOL. Also, after everything we’ve been through, we managed to stay friends. Not close close friend, but still.

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I’ve been updating my flickr account more than my blog. I turned pro account para mapilitan ako mag take ng pictures para masulit si Nick (my D40). Pero nakakatuwa kasi pati photoshop skills ko naiimprove. Hindi na ko basta bastang SOOC or picasa! Lol. Achievement! Sana mahasa pa ng mabuti and hindi lang self-portraits ang gagawin ko. Hehe. Here’s a sample, sexy ko eh. Ahahahahha

I’ve met a couple of the girls from flickr and they’re nice. As most of my friends know, I’m not really an english speaking person (babaeng bakla ako), and a bit poor in grammar. Frustration sa ken yun ng lola ko. As much as possible I try to speak in Filipino or Taglish (not the irritating one). Knowing that these girls are so good in english, I know na mapapasabak ako sa kanila. LOL. And magkakakilala na sila dati pa! I was scared at first, as in. As usual Shelley encouraged me and told me that I wasn’t really shy (whut?), so sige lang! It’s now or never. Naiisip ko na baka wala akong makausap or what, daan na lang ako then uwi ng maaga, or wag na lang ako magsalita ever. But guess what, they were accomodating and really nice, and also young! Haha. I guess, pag dating sa inuman, lahat ay magkakaibigan. I enjoyed spending time with them. But believe me, I don’t want to mess with these girls. Hehe. I also met a few bloggers whose blog I usually lurk. Hehe. It’s been a while since I last met people I knew online.

Anyway, if you’re pinay and love taking self portraits (or portraits of other pinays), join FilipinaFlickrites and participate in our weekly theme (syempre prinomote!).

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I miss going to the beach! I miss Baler or at least our fun moments at baler. I miss Bohol. I miss Cebu. Pucha, kahit galera miss ko na! Ano ba yan! Tangna, di ako sanay ng di nakakapag beach every two months. Haay. I also miss playing sports. Hanube, and rami kong namimiss. PLGirls!!!! ANO NA!!! (pressure)

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Keren came to visit! And I saw the biggest engagement ring I’ve ever seen! *lol* We had dinner last friday, and ang rami namin! More than 20 I think. Kulang sa oras ang pagkukuwentuhan. Hot seat si Tin about their honeymoon, si Darren hindi maakbayan ang GF, si Dennis na late dumating, ang baby ni Dya, College video na super nakakatawa at tuwa, etc.. etc.. Nakakamiss sila!

Partida, di pa kami kumpleto niyan. Still thinking if I’ll upload the video in youtube. Hehe.

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Ah, the finale. Singlehood. What can I say? I can’t deny that I miss having that special someone. Especially when you’re surrounded by happy couples. Sa May 9, 1 year na ko single. Funny, pero mas ok ako. Nagagawa ko kasi gusto ko. And I have my friends if I need a hug or lambing. I haven’t met anyone yet na kayang sakyan trip ko eh. But no matter how happy I am being single, I still hope I’ll meet the one. The right person at the right time. Di ko ma dedeny yun.

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I’ll end this nonsense na, may nag aaya ng uminom eh.. ata. Lol.

Some things are supposed to be made with butter.

“Yeah,” Min said dismissively. “So what am I supposed to do about my weight?”

Cal put his fork down. “All right. Here’s the truth. You’re never going to be thin. You’re a round woman. You have wide hips and a round stomach and full breasts. You’re …”

“Healthy,” Min said bitterly.

“Lush,” Cal said, watching the gentle rise and fall of her breasts under her sweatshirt.

“Generous,” Min snarled.

“Opulent,” Cal said, remembering the soft curve of her under his hand.

“Zaftig,” Min said.

“Soft and round and hot, and I’m turning myself on,” Cal said, starting to feel dizzy. “Do you have anything on under that sweatshirt?”

“Of course,” Min said, taken aback.

“Oh,” Cal said, ditching that fantasy. “Good. We should be eating. What were we talking about?”

“My weight?” Min said.

“Right,” Cal said, picking up his fork again. “The reason you can’t lose weight is that you’re not supposed to lose weight, you’re not built that way, and if you did manage through some stupid diet to take the weight off, you’d be like that chicken mess you just made. Some things are supposed to be made with butter. You’re one of them.”

Thanks Lee Anne for recommending this book. I felt much better after reading it. Edward who?? Cal is the man! Anyway, will rant soon about life and everything else.

I may get bashed or “lait” by posting this pictures, but what the heck, minsan ko lang ma feel na ok ang pagka chubby ko, so sana pagbigyan niyo na ko.

Big Change

I’ve always been playing safe with my hair, bob cut or long rebonded hair. I’ve always thought that curly hair does not suit me. But what the hell, I need change, and since my hair is long. I could at least tie it up in pony if it doesn’t look good. But then, I’ve decided to have my hair rebonded (again) when the right time comes. I wanna see how long it really is (my hair is kinda “buhaghag” so you really can’t tell how long it is).

Went to Azta a few nights ago. Since it was already dark, I only have time to have my hair trimmed and get its much needed protein treatment. But then, since fickle minded ako (and the stylist was willing to stay late), I decided to have my hair digi-permed. After 3 hours and without having dinner, this is how it turned out.

Pros of having curls:
1. I don’t need to brush my hair every 4 hours! (as if I do)
2. There’s a reason for twirling my hair without looking crazy
3. I don’t need to go to the stylist during weddings, I’ll just pull up my hair and voila!

This is the first time I had my hair permed, and I’m happy how it turned out. :D

FYI: I fear for my kids

I have no plans of having kids in the future (well not right now) and reading this: CLICK CLICK CLICK, I fear for them.

Gusto ko mag react, gusto ko mainis. ANONG KLASENG PAG IISIP YUN? NAMAN! To think HS lang sila, and galing sila sa magandang school.

Naiinis ako. Naiirita ako. Kinakabahan ako para sa mga pinsan ko.

Ang rami ko gustong sabihin pero wag na. I’m just so grateful on how my parents raised me.

4 dates on valentines day.

Before niyo sabihin na ang landi ko naman, basahin niyo muna. :p

Last saturday morning, I played badminton with my brother and his officemates. Despite having only 3 hours of sleep, and sleeping in the sofa (which isn’t that comfy), I still went with him. You see, this brother, I think, is the only one who I haven’t seen play any physical sport. So when I heard he played badminton, I excitedly volunteered myself to play with them (Haha! Kapal no?). It was the first time that I saw him running around the court and sweating profusely. Even though he rarely hits the shuttlecock, I’m so proud of him. He also paid for my kani salad at hot rocks. Hehe. Bait no? :p

I went home very tired and sleepy so I rested for a while before taking a shower. During the afternoon, I watched a movie with A. It was fun and something new. You see, I rarely go out with guys that I really don’t know that much (unless there was serious flirting going around) so this is a first time. Biglaan lang ren kasi. I was looking for something to do on a saturday, and most of my friends aren’t available. I think I was the one who asked him out.. or was it him? I really don’t remember. Katuwa ren kasi whenever we were together before (with a group of common friends) he wasn’t really “makulit” and “madaldal” as what his friends say. Well, minsan mahirit, pero wala pa raw yun sa tunay niyang kakulitan. So natuwa naman ako at dumadaldal naman siya and nangaasar pa. Although hindi pa naman super comfy. We watched Pink Panther II (di kasi namin naabutan yung Marley and me), then strolled around the mall. While waiting for his parents, we stayed at Cafe Breton. Ayun, chika lang. My 3rd date came and she (yes, babae po sya mga kaibigan) joined us at Breton.

Gay is a gradeschool friend and we’ve know each other since we were in second grade. I enjoy being around her because I seem to be prim and proper. Lolz. Grabe sa pagka taklesa tong babaeng to. Pero I love her for being herself and being a good friend and still loving me despite everything. We introduce each other as “ex-lovers”. Hehe. Anyway, she stayed with us then we parted ways with A. Gay and I had dinner at Avenetto’s and we ordered our favorite pasta “Nut and Pesto with Hungarian Sausage”. Kung ano man ang napagusapan namin nung dinner, amin na lang yun (DIBA BADING?!?!). After dinner, tumambay kami sa bahay. And we took some pictures, pampalipas oras lang. Hindi halatang pagod ako no? Hehe.

Gay has to go home before 10PM because she has to take care of her kid (and my inaanak who hates me). So after my date with her, I immediately went to Bem’s place! INUMAN/VIDEOKE/KAINAN GALORE! It was his 18th birthday (yes I still have friends who are much much younger than me). This was my last date for the day. Group date! After a long time, I got to drink again until the wee hours of the morning! If only I had decent sleep for the day, i could have stayed with them till 5:30 AM (mga 4:30 ako umuwi). Super laugh trip! Ang saya ng marami kang baon na pang lasing na laro (thanks to those who taught me “Apple, Orange, Egg” and “Bang Bang”). If you look at the pictures, mapapansin niyo na lumalabas pa ren ang pagka one of the boys ko. Of course there were other girls there, pero pretty sila eh, so di ko ka level.. Lol. Medyo na bad trip lang ako kasi may nag-inarte na naman. Pero I guess ganon na talaga siya so wala na ko magagawa dun. Hehe. I miss these guys. They never fail to amaze me. Kahit na puro inom lang (well, hindi naman as in always) ang ginagawa nila, parang laging may bago.

I must say, this is one of the best valentines ever I had as a single lady. It was way better than my last valentines when I had no one to spend it with. Whoever said that valentines day are for couples only are dead wrong. (Sabi nga ni Gay, ok ren pala i-spend ang valentines with friends.. haha landi kasi eh)

Again, Happy <3  month!

(tapos na lunch break, so balik work. haha!)

Signs

So almost everyone around me is getting hitched or already in a “stable” relationship. So what about me? When will I ever be in a “stable” long-term relationship?

I know, I know, I sound like a desperate lady who wants “love”. Well I guess it’s true, except for the desperate part. Because if I am really desperate, I would have a new boyfriend now, or anytime I want.

I just want somebody to be there, someone to hold my hand, someone I can call up anytime, just someone who includes me in their priorities, someone who can endure all my tantrums and “kadramahan”, someone who’ll brighten up my day, someone who’ll get along with my friends.

So there, selfish bitch who wants companionship.

I’ve been in love 3 times. And none of them lasted for more than two years (except for the first one, but it’s an exception because there was never an “us” it was only “him” and “me”). The first one was complicated, the second one wasn’t really ready for commitment, the third one was 4 years my junior (he was 19 and I was 23 when we got together). I’m friends with two of them (well that’s what I like to think, or at least what they say), though we rarely talk. The other one is I guess in the works since we just broke up last year (and I’m scared of blogging about him because everytime I post something about him things go from bad to worse).

Sometimes I wonder if I still know how it feels to be in love, to fall head over heels over a guy, to smile because of a simple text message, to feel better just because of a simple hug, to feel brave just because that person is holding my hand, to long for someone, to discuss misunderstandings as adults and partners. Because seriously, I think I’m already jaded and I really think I’m not made for the relationship stuff.

I guess I’m not in love with the thought of love anymore.

But I want to. I want to be with “the one”. I want to feel what it feels to be in love again. I guess I just don’t feel like it’s worth it anymore.

I tried writing again hoping that maybe, just maybe, everything I felt about love before will come back. But it didn’t. And I failed at writing.

I tried reading books but it made me realize why they are called fictional.

I tried listening to love songs but it just made me remember how much I miss making mixed tapes.

Until Andrei emailed us to watch this short film. Saying “hope this film will inspire you to fall in love again soon hehe”.

And you know what? It made me smile, it gave me goosebumps. It may be a short film but it described how I feel. How life is for me currently and how it was when I was in love.

It really did not inspire me to fall in love again (because I really think I’m not ready yet), but it made me remember how I felt when I was in love.

I love the concept, I love how it was presented. I searched youtube.com for it so I can share it with you guys. It’s only 12 minutes long so I hope you guys would watch it (and posted here so I won’t forget about it).

Happy Love Month to all!

Walang Magawa Part VIII

Walang Magawa (Previous parts)

Napatigil kami pareho. Nagulat ako. Di ko alam sasabihin ko. Di ko alam nararamdaman ko. Alam niyo yung pakiramdam na hindi kayo makapaniwala, yung hindi niyo alam kung anong iisipin, yung parang tumigil yung paligid pero mabilis pa ren? Nagkatitigan lang kami, nakangiti lang sya, ako naman parang binabasa kung ano iniisip niya. “Nagbibiro ka ba?” tinanong ko siya. “Mukha ba akong nagbibiro?” sagot naman niya, sabay lapit. Biglang may dumating na tricycle sa tapat ng bahay. Si bunso, kakauwi lang. “Ate! Kuya Joseph!” bati niya sa amin. Mukha naman wala syang napansin na kakaiba. “Risa, ginagabi ka ah” sabi ni Joseph. “Minsan lang naman po, linggo naman bukas eh” sagot ni bunso habang ngumingiti. Di ko alam kung magpapasalamat ako nadumating siya o gusto ko siyang batukan. “Nat, alis na ko. Kitakits na lang next time” nagpaalam si Joseph. “Sige, thank you ulit”. Di ako makatulog nung gabing yun. Naguguluhan ako. Alak lang ba yung nagsasalita, o totoo yung sinasabi niya. Natakot ako eh. Syempre diba? Parang isang panaginip na nagkatotoo. Eh kung sayo kaya nangyari yun?

Mahigit isang linggo ang nakalipas, hindi nagpaparamdam si Joseph. Hindi ko ren naman sya nakikita. Hindi muna ako nagpupunta kela Henry eh. Kunwari busy. Di ko na nakuwento kela Annie at Henry ang nangyari. Parang ayoko muna malaman ng ibang tao. Pag may nag tetext, natataranta ako, kala ko kasi si Joseph na. Hindi ko alam kung dapat ba ako ang unang magparamdam. Pero siyempre, hindi ko ren alam ang sasabihin ko kaya wala ren akong ginagawa. Buti na lang medyo busy sa opisina, medyo nawawala isip ko sa bagay na yun. Pero siyempre minsan natutulala pa ren ako. Tulad ng paglakad ko papunta sa sakayan para umuwi.

Sobrang tulala ako na di ko napansin muntikan na ko mabangga. “Sorry” sabay peace sign sa may kotse. Nagulat na lang ako ng binaba ng driver ang bintana, kala ko aawayin ako. Si Christian lang pala. “Tulala ka naman ha” sabi niya. “Sorry, may iniisip lang” paliwanag ko. “Pauwi ka na ba? Sabay ka na”. Nagdalawang isip ako, pero bumubusina na ung kotse sa lakad niya kaya pumasok na lang ako. “Wow naman, yaman, may kotse na” sabi ko sa kanya pagsakay ko. “Ay hindi, sa pinsan ko ‘to. Nakihiram lang. San ka ba nakatira?” tanong niya. “Sa may commonwealth lang, san ka ba pupunta?”

“Banda run din. Daan na kita.”

“Salamat ah”

“Minsan sa bahay mo na gawin ang mag-isip ah, madidisgrasya ka niyan sa ginagawa mo eh”

“Kaw lang naman laging nakakabangga sa akin eh. Matuto ka kasi umiwas”

“Nagkakataon lang, pasalamat ka nga na ako eh, baka kung ibang tao, nadisgrasya ka talaga”

“Salamat ulit ah” sabay irap.

“Ang sungit mo pa ren no?” sabay tawa. “Ano ba problema mo?”

“Wala, di ka ren naman makikinig”

“Ang arte nito. Mas maganda kasi ng may sinasabihan ka.”

Naisip ko, hindi ko naman makuwento kela Henry, at di naman kilala ni christian si Joseph.

“Lalake. Hindi kasi malinaw yung sinabi niya eh. Kaya naguguluhan ako”

“Panong hindi malinaw?”

“Hindi raw basta lang barkada niya tingin sa akin… Tapos hindi na siya nagparamdam”

“Eh ikaw? Ano ba tingin mo sa kanya?”

“Gusto ko siya. Matagal na.”

“Hmm.. mahirap nga yan. Pero kasi kung ako yung lalake, kung gusto kita, at nasabi ko na, hindi kita iiwan sa ere. Nilapitan mo na ba after nun?”

“Hindi pa… baka kasi..”

“Busy? Nako Nat, feeling ko natatakot ka sa mapapagusapan niyo. Dahil kung gusto mo talaga malinawan, ikaw na lumapit sa kanya. Pero tama ren naman, you should take your time to ready yourself kung ano man kalabasan. Pero baka kasi it’s too late na diba?”

Napatitig lang ako sa kanya sabay sabi ng “Anong ginawa mo kay Christian? Hindi ikaw yan. Ilabas mo ang tunay na Christian!” Natawa lang siya tapos huminga ng malalim “Nat, alam ko na gago ako dati. Gago pa ren naman ako ngayon eh. Pero hindi na ko tulad nung dati. Ano ka ba? Grade school pa tayo nun”. Napangiti lang ako sa sagot niya. Kasi totoo naman, grade school pa kami nun, siguro tumatak lang sa akin kung paano siya nun. “Teka nga, tara libre kita, kain muna tayo. Para naman medyo maaliw kita.”

Pumayag na lang ako kasi ayoko ren naman umuwi muna at mapag-isa. Pumunta kami ng UP at bumili ng “street foods” sabay tambay sa sunken garden. “Wow ayos sa libre ha, wala pang singkuwenta pesos” biniro ko si Christian. “Eto naman, ang reklamo, ihahatid ka na nga eh”. Madyo madilim na nun at nagkataon na maganda yung langit, malinaw, naalala ko tuloy yung “date” namin ni Joseph. Pero dinaldal naman ako ni Christian. Nagkuwento siya tungkol sa Davao, sa CAT nila nung highschool, sa prom date niya nun, mga kalokohan niya nung kolehiyo, basta kuwento lang ng kuwento. Ngayon na lang ako ulit tumawa ng ganun simula nung lumabas kami ni Joseph. Sa sobrang sarap ng usapan namin, di na namin napansin ang oras. Nagulat ren ako kasi hindi ko akalain na ganun kakulit si Christian. Pero hindi.. hindi ko sya type ha. Nililinaw ko lang. Pati nagiging mabuting kaibigan lang ren siya. Hindi ko naman ren kasi masabi kay Henry at Annie yung mga pangyayari eh.Dumating ren kami sa tapat ng bahay, bago ako bumaba nag paalam muna ako sa kanya at nagpasalamat. Inantay niya ko makapasok bago siya umalis. Pag alis ng sasakyan niya, may dumaan na kotse na pamilyar. Sasakayan ni Joseph, dumaan ng hindi man lang tumingin sa bahay.

Wow pare, pwedeng pang slo-mo. Lahat ng nakalimutan ko nung kasama ko si Christian, bumalik bigla.

Walang Magawa part VII

Walang Magawa (Previous parts)

Tumayo si Joseph at binati si Elaine. Beso-beso pa sila. Di ko marinig pinaguusapan nila, o baka masyado lang akong nalungkot. Narinig ko na lang na pinakilala sa ken ni Joseph si Elaine. “Ay Oo nga pala, si Natalie, kabarkada ko.” Kabarkada. Ganun lang pala yun. Ang saklap. “Hello po”, yun na lang ang nasabi ko. Nginitaan ako ni Elaine, yung ngiting masasabi mong mabuting tao naman siya. “Nat, si Elaine, sya yung part time owner ng cafe na ‘to” sabi ni Joseph. “Ano ka ba? Hindi naman kelangan pagkalat yun” sabi ni Elaine na parang nahihiya. Wow, maganda na, mayaman at humble. Syet, asan ako nung nagbibigay ng biyaya ang diyos? Ngumiti na lang ako. Pinaupo siya ni Joseph at nag tsikahan sila sandali. Nalibre pa kami ng dessert. Ang shyness side ko, biglang lumantad. Pagkatapos ng ilang minuto nag paalam na ang dyosa, este si Elaine “O sige na, mauna na ko. Nice meeting you Nat”. Gusto kong mainis sa kanya, pero mabait talaga siya eh.

Pauwi, tahimik lang si Joseph. Para bang may malalim na iniisip. Buti na lang may radyo, para hindi masyado obvious na tahimik.

“Ok ka lang po ba?” tinanong ko sya.

“Ha? Uh, oo naman. Bakit naman hindi?”

“Eh parang naubos powers mo eh”

“Antok lang”

Tahimik ang pauwi. Nagpanggap na lang akong tulog. Nung malapit na kami sa village, tinanong ko siya kung sino si Elaine. “Ha? Dating ka-opisina ko. Bakit?”

“Wala lang…”

“Nagseselos ka?” pabirong tanong ni Joseph. “Ngek! Asa naman?” alangan mo naman umamin ako diba?. Napansin ko na wala kami sa kalsada papunta ng bahay ko. “San tayo pupunta??” tinanong ko sya. “Sa bahay, andun ata sila Henry at Annie, maya ka na umuwi, hatid na kita” ang sabi niya. “Di ka pa nagsasawa sa ken?” syempre the usual hirit lang yan. Tumingin siya sa akin at sumagot ng “Sino bang nagsabi na kaya ko magsawang kasama ka?” sabay ngiti. Buti na lang bumalik yung tingin niya sa kalsada dahil naramdaman ko na uminit pisngi ko.

Dumating kami sa bahay nila at nandun nga ang dalawa kong kaibigan. Nagulat sila nung nakita nila kami. Natawa nga kami pareho ni Joseph. Pero alam ko kung bakit sila nagulat. Syempre, nagkaayaan ng inom dahil wala naman pasok kinabukasan. Buti na lang may dalang alak si Annie, yung mga natira raw nung biyernes. Medyo sosyal kami ngayon, vodka sa aming babae tapos black label sa magkapatid. Nagpasama kunwari si Annie sa CR pero nagpakuwento lang naman talaga sa nangyari. Pakiramdam ko lang talaga kaibigan o kapatid lang ang tingin sa akin ni Joseph. Sabi naman ni Annie na hayaan ko na raw kasi, at least daw naka-date ko. Pero bakit siya humihirit ng ganun? nakiki-ride lang ba siya o may laman talaga? Wag na lang raw ako mag expect, kasi kahit raw si Henry di maintindihan kapatid niya pag dating sa mga ganung bagay.

Medyo matagal tagal ang inuman, medyo tipsy na ren ako. Makulit na mga pinaguusapan namin. Si Henry as usual, nag i-ingles na. Si Annie naman lahat pinagtatawanan. Si Joseph, ayun parang wala pa ring tama. Nung maubos na yung alak, hinatid na ko ni Joseph. “Lakas mo talaga uminom” Sabi niya habang naglalakad kami. “Hindi no, may tama na nga ako eh. Medyo hilo  na”. Ang laki ng kalsada pero hindi ko alam bakit magkadikit kami maglakad. Alam mo yung sumasayad mga braso namin. Wala naman lumalayo sa amin. Matagal tagal na walang umiimik. Parang nag aantayan. Eh bigla akong natapilok, buti na lang malapit siya kaya nakakapit ako sa kanya. Medyo natawa kami pareho. Pagdating namin sa tapat ng bahay, nag sindi kami ng yosi.

“Wala yun. Nag enjoy ka ba?” tinanong niya.

“Oo naman. Libre eh”

“Pero nagselos ka nga kay Elaine?”

“Pano kung nag selos nga ako?” Eto ayoko pag nakainom ako eh.

“Wala lang… nakakatuwa lang…”

“Ako naman magtatanong,” sabay harap sa kanya “Kabarkada nga lang ba tingin mo sa ken?” Diretsahan na!

“…Hindi” sabay ngumiti.

(Ayan na po, sensya na kung matagal… next time ulit )

Mr. Brightside

Mr. Brightside

And so here he is, after a week of contemplation. Meet Mr. Brightside (I wonder why I haven’t thought of that name before).

Welcome to my world mister. I sure hope to spend many years with you. I know you’d listen to my problems and never forget them unless I tell you to. You will hold my dear secrets and you’ll see me in my worst but you’d be there for me anytime I need you (I hope). You may turn blue, or catch a virus, but I’ll do my best to make you feel better.

The first year would be a tough time for us because you’re not hundred percent mine yet. But after that I know I’ll be more comfortable around you, and might sleep beside you already. But rest assured I’ll  never do anything to hurt you (intentionally).

I’m sorry in advance if ever I get so clumsy and careless around you. Please don’t get mad and please be strong.. really really strong. If ever it crosses my mind to dispose you and buy a new one, please don’t get mad, it’s just my impulsive self, I know it would be a fleeting thing. If ever I look at other laptops and admire them, don’t get jealous. I promise you I’ll try my best to be faithful and loyal to you. You’ll be the only one. If ever I get mad at you for being slow in the future, please don’t get mad, I’ll get use to it or I’ll try to get you a new RAM or whatever.

I see you helping me in soooo many ways mister, and starting now I want to thank you for coming into my life.

And one thing I can assure you is it would hurt me (and my pocket) very much if ever you leave me. So please don’t.

I love you Mr. Brightside. In fact I love you so much that I bought a laptop bag first before I bought you… so you’d feel comfortable whenever we’re together.

Cheers to us Mr. Brightside. Cheers to a bright future. Wishing to spend more than 3 years with you.