You see, I've been dreaming of the ex recently, damnit I've even heard his voice once (blame it on bella and edward). Eh heller, I'm trying not to think about things na nga eh. So ayun, napunta sa subconcious. It really bothered me that I've been out of focus and not myself the past week. It was so bad that I lost something sentimental and valuable to a very good friend. Something that I could not replace.
We talked about it and she said something that really hit my core. My actions were already affecting other things, other people. Nagising ang lola. Parang "Shet, oo nga". Na I felt pathetic for feeling those things, doing those things. Na hindi ko matanggap or mapakita sa tao na nasasaktan ako. Di ko ren kasi alam kung pride ba ito or nde. Basta magulo. Kaya di ko ren ma share. She said that maybe kelangan ko talaga ilabas.
The next actions, I know would somehow get a reaction from people who cares for me. People who said that maybe, just maybe, I must not be hanging out with the ex anymore.
Last night, I faced my fears.
I faced him. I know na it could have been a wrong move (pero may dala silang volleyball eh, na excite ako, ehehehhe). Different from the past meetings we had. Dati kasi kung hindi sobrang dedmahan, sobrang biruan naman. Ngayon at first aloof ako. I tried to avoid him. Pero alam niyo first words ko sa kanya kagabi? "Peram lighter". Ayos diba? Bisyo talaga... Ehehehehe.. Medyo ok naman. Siguro kasi may effort on his side (or nag feefeeling lang ako, pero ikaw ba naman nag shooshooting tas punta sya para tulungan ka, nde ba effort yun?). It was something different from what I've expected. First time I remember him calling me by my first name. First time we were ||<-- this close (well not really) na hindi ako na-ilang.. nahiya lang siguro. Ehehehehe. Medyo nag biruan, nag asaran, nde yung tawanan agad. Hindi binigla yung pangyayari. It's a slow process. Heck! at least it's a process.
I'm not sure if things would be normal again between the two of us, I'm also not expecting na mawawala agad yung sakit (minsan naman wala, minsan bigla na lang sumusulpot, ang gulo nga eh, nakakainis), pero alam ko na mawawala ren sya. Masaya na sya eh, and seriously, masaya naman ako for him. And mas ok na ren na ganyan sya. Mas madrama diba kung nde? Ehehehe.. Panahon lang yan, siguro nauna niya lang harapin kaya mas nauna sya naging ok. Ako naging in denial pa ko noon, at dumaan na sa anger.. so asa acceptance stage na ata ako, or nag skip.. ewan.. Or inantay ko lang sya maging ok, bago ko hinarap ng sarili ko.. hindi ko alam.. ang gulo ren.. ehehehhehe... and hindi ko ren ma pin-point kung ano talaga ang rason. Basta malabo. Saka ko na isipin yun, basta na face ko na fear ko. (At least ngayon alam niyo na ang sagot pag tinanonog niyo ko if ok lang ba ako.. ehehhehe)
As for my dear friend, hanggang ngayon naiinis pa ren ako sa sarili ko at nahihiya ng todo sayo. Kasi alam ko kahit friendship ko, di na kayang palitan yung value nung nawala ko. Bakit ba kasi kelangan pa mangyari yun para matauhan ako? Sorry talaga! Yaan mo, I'll try my best not to make my own drama na. I'll try to make my own fun na. I'm really really sorry. Super. :( I love you. Thank you for waking me up.
[edit] *bothered enough to talk to a stuff toy, na kelangan ko pala itago kasi may threat na of being kidnapped.. ehehehhe
Best viewed in internet explorer 7.0 1024 x 768.. it's my first time to create a header with my pictures. Teehee. I'll still be editing this template.
About me
loves the moon... loves to sing... 212223 24 years old..
scorpio.. loves to talk.. Graduating BUM!
... Junior Consultant.. THOMASIAN... loves her
friends.. selfish.. bitchy.. tactless.. loves to watch basketball and
plays volleyball, basketball, frisbee, and badminton. Drools over tracy mcgrady,
usher raymonds, pharell williams, brandon boyd, vic sotto and the likes.
self confessed masochist.. Loves the number
one.. emo.. loves drama.. listens to a lot of genre.. from
dream theater to patti austin.. easily falls in love.. heart
is easily broken.. doesn't believe in courtship.. tries
to believe in courtship. plays the guitar.. doesn't know how
to drive.. loves the color black..
not really emo but has her own share of emo-ness... ultimate
cam whore! missing the drama in my life..
kaladkarin.. simple pleasures in life: caffeine, nicotene, alcohol and very cold milo.
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